You wouldn’t think so when you first entertain searching for someone to take that extra room in your place but you soon learn that it’s down right difficult. At this point I have decided that finding that reliable roommate is pretty much out of the question. Apparently I’m too picky and too anal in my habits and ways that finding someone to fit into that “ideal” category is impossible.

A Few Simple Things …

1) DON’T BE A SLOB. That’s a fairly simple request in my opinion. Seriously how hard is it to clean up your shit, rinse a dish now and then and simply put not be a pig? Would you live with a slob? I never realized just how dirty people can be.

2) PAY YOUR BILLS. Again, this one in my opinion is a reasonable and simple request. There are a lot of reasons to get another roommate and of course one of them is to put more coin into your pocket which you can use to for various reasons. Pay down debt; buy more useless shit, and of course saving to name a few. This becomes hard to do when the person you’re living with doesn’t pay their bills and while I haven’t had to deal with this type of person I have no desire to do so anytime soon. I can’t imagine anyone who would.

3) TRUST. Don’t fucking steal from me! If you ask me that’s a no brainer but you’d be surprised how tempted people are to lift shit from your house when you’re not looking (Even your friends). If I have to lock all my shit up and feel like I can’t have anything nice lying around because it might get up and walk the hell off obviously that isn’t an ideal situation.

4) COMPANY. The company you keep has to meet the same criteria. I mean think about it you’re not going to let someone move in and then say “Oh by the way you can’t have any friends over” …LOL. So if your friends are dirty ass slobs, who are broke ass crack heads that only want to come over to drink all the liquor on my bar and eat all the food in my fridge while they house a DVD by jamming it in down pants that again is probably not an ideal situation. If you can’t trust them how am I supposed to?

There are other things I could go into but I hit on the most important ones. Every person I approach or that approaches me has something wrong with them …HA. There are a lot of people who have been to my place that love it and want to live here or want the place when I move but I don’t want any of them …LOL.

I don’t think anything above is out of reason and I would imagine most people would feel the same way if entertaining moving in another body but I’m apparently my thinking is off base and I’m too picky in my selection process. Then again if I had to choose I’d rather be too picky then sorry.

For those that are wondering I have 8 rooms in this monstrous apartment which includes 5 living areas, 2 full baths, and a large eat in kitchen with a full bar. Oh and no you can’t move in so spare me.

The search continues ………..

I don’t exactly live in the sticks but I do live outside of town just enough that you rarely if ever hear an EMS siren of any kind. This morning though I was sitting around watching some stupid ass B movie on HBO and this siren comes roaring up the street and stops in front on my place.

Of course my curiosity was enough to get my lazy ass up to go investigate. I first looked out one of the side windows and saw an ambulance sitting in the driveway. I figured something happened to a neighbor or something and headed for a window on the other side of the house. I look out and there sits one of several fire engines. My first thought was WTF, when did they get here??

So now I’m in nosey neighbor mode and decide to head outside. I hit the door and I can see a feeder line running from the hydrant up the street and I’m thinking “Rut Ro”. So I go outside walk down my steps and turn the corner to see the little old lady’s house across the street in flames. Apparently all this went on for 20 minutes before I even knew what the hell was going on.

I came in grabbed the cam and snapped off a few pics while talking to the 50 other nosey neighbors that were congregating on my street. The word was it took the FD 15 minutes to get there and get a single hose on the blaze. Sad considering there is a company less then a mile up the street and they were present. (Eventually) I volunteered when I was younger off and on and have been to my fair share of fires and I never saw so many firemen standing around doing absolutely nothing.

Seriously there must have been at least 50 present if not more. (Seriously) Why I have no idea as the fire was fairly small in scope and most of them just stood around pulling pud. In the end the house was pretty much a total loss.

The Pics

Click the thumbs for full size images. (Popup blockers are bad mmkay)

I had been entertaining the thought of getting Renter’s Insurance for some time but I kept putting it off. I’d think of it and forgot about it in the same moment and while I knew I should have it I never really thought of it as a priority.

This was an eye opener to see someone’s entire life go up in smoke. Everything they owned gone in a blink of an eye. In the end this was a little too close to home so I decided to get my ass some insurance. I’d suggest doing the same as once the fire starts you’re shit out of luck.

The first post …Well sort of …We’ll just call it the first post actually made for this particular blog on this particular site. The three posts below were pulled from my old MySpace blog that I barely if ever used. Then again I probably won’t use this one all that much either.

As stated in other portions of the site this is my personal waste of space on the internet. A personal blog where I can and will talk about whatever I want with no particular theme or regularity. Basically nothing is out of bounds.

Inspiration for said waste of space came out of simple and overwhelming boredom. The same can be said for when I post if ever. I might post once a day, once a week, or once a month so please refrain from sending me those stupid ass “hey where’d you go” messages.

Anyway feel free to look around, drop me a line, comment, lose brains cells reading this shit, or drop dead for that matter. It’s all relative.

First of all I wrote it out of sheer boredom. Secondly we all know a lot of people who have fallen victim to “Negative Bullshitters” so I figured I’d write a light hearted How-To for the Bullshit impaired amongst us. Now I think we would all agree that a lot of this is undoubtedly true I trust people will take it with a grain of salt. (One can only hope) While I’m sure I’ll take some shit for this one from those who take it too seriously I found it an entertaining way to pass a half hour of boredom.

Liars

We all know someone who could be classified as an impetuous liar. You know those who feel the need to lie about everything and do it just about all the time. Hell, they’ll even lie about the most mundane shit. They’ll lie about things that no person in their right mind would ever need or want to lie about. (e.g. what kind of car they drive.) Now any sane person would know that all you have to do is look out the window and you’ll see that old ass beat up Pinto sitting in his or her drive way, and not the Porsche they claim to own. I suppose the Porsche is in the shop.

I have heard some stories in my day that make Aesop’s Fables seem like works of fact rather then fiction. Personally I love these people because unless you’re a complete dumbass you can always tell when you’re talking to one. They give themselves away by simply embellishing their stories beyond any and all reasonable belief. The taller the tale the more transparent and entertaining it becomes, so it’s really not that big of a deal for most of us. In general these people while being full of shit are pretty much harmless do to their inability to mask the smell.

While true sometimes liars can be a nuisance they are rather innocuous and they pale in comparison to the consummate Bullshitter. These are they ones that you have to watch out for. Not only can they lie convincingly but some of them can convince you that your ass is on backwards in the process. These people have turned lying into an art form and a lot of them are very good at what they do.

In general men make better Bullshitters then women which I wouldn’t have expected. Women simply have a natural advantage when it comes to taking advantage of other people; based purely on the fact that they are indeed a woman …Bat your eyes here …Shake your ass there. It would seem to make sense but the art of Bullshitting has nothing to do with ones appearance nor does it matter where you happen to carry your genitals. (Inside or outside) It really is all in the delivery.

Bullshitting 101

There are several steps involved in Bullshitting. While these steps could be debated the basic principle behind all good Bullshit is pretty much the same. There are many uses for Bullshitting. IMO Bullshitting is an essential skill most of use in one way or another through-out our lives on a daily basis whether we like to admit it or not. (To help you get that new job is a fairly benign example of “Positive Bullshitting”) Politicians make excellent examples of Bullshitters.

Bullshitting essentially is the act of selling a fabricated story to someone in order to obtain something you need or want in return. Think of it as being a salesperson trying to sell ice to that proverbial Eskimo. Bullshiting would obviously be required in such a case. Bullshitting can be used for both Good and Evil …The choice of how it is used obviously rests with the individual.

Objective -> Plan -> Target -> Execution -> Fail Safe

The Bullshitting 101 crash course ……………..

What is your Objective

Objective: The first thing you need is rather simple. Put plainly you just need to know what the hell you want. You may need to convince someone of something in order to save your ass or that of a friend. You may need to get your hands on something, who knows the possibilities are endless.

The Plan

Plan: So you’ve decided what you want. Now you need to devise a plan that fits appropriately within your objective. This is the hardest step in Bullshitting as no one will ever actually tell you how to plan your “attack”. It’s like with a good magician, he or she will never reveal their tricks and sadly the same rules apply to Bullshitting. You’re on your own here mate.

The Target

Target: At this point you’ve decided what you want as well as having decided on a method of how to obtain said want. Your next step is to pick the target of your Bullshit. This can be easy or difficult depending on how well you read people. First you have to ask, does this person have the objective. Do they have what I want? Second you need to assess how susceptible they are to outside influences. In other words can you Bullshit them? Once you have found a victim …I mean a target that you can answer yes to both of those questions you’re half way home.

The Excecution

Execution: So here you are at the moment of truth. You know what you want and how you plan to get it. You have scouted the landscape and hopefully picked the target most likely to yield success. Now it’s time to BULLSHIT! (Feels like a game show)

Here again you’re pretty much on your own as there are many routes you can take to bullshit. (e.g. Sad, Guilt, Monetary Woes, Ugly, Loneliness, Sympathy etc) Remember routes must apply to both you and your target. You must be able to effectively portray the route you choose or you will fail. Simply pick the route your target is most susceptible to and go to town. You’ll either get what you want or fall flat on your face but if you do it right “win or lose” the target will be none the wiser about WTF just happened.

Of course if you suck at lying you’re probably not going to succeed at bullshiting someone as you will more then likely get caught. In which case you’ll surely lose a friend or two and or probably get your ass kicked from here to East Bumblefuck which is just South of North BumFuck. No pressure!

The Fail Safe

Fail Safe: The fail safe consists of the point in every Bullshit when you call no joy and wish to back out of the attempt. Think of it as an extension of the plan which allows you to both cut off the attempt and still keep the Bullshit intact for future reconsideration with the same target. I mean seriously there is only so long you can try to bullshit someone before they become suspicious. If you ever wonder if taking to long …It’s taking to damn long.

Pre-plan an escape route for just such an occasion. An accomplice with a cell phone will usually do the trick just have them text or call you at a pre-determined time. Of course many other methods are available including the fake heart attack but this one should only be used in extreme cases of emergency.

Knowing when to cut off your attempt is of the utmost importance. Your target will give you tells through out the attempt that should allow to judge your progress. Picking up on negative tells is the key to a successful early withdrawal. The eye brow raise while subtle is universally understood as being a negative reaction to your Bullshit. Constantly being asked to explain yourself again and again is also a sign that it is time to bail. If your target picks up dinnerware or any other sharp objects within range run for your fucking life. The tells are there, you just need to see them.

Bullshit Award: Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Counter-Bullshitting

Now you know how to bullshit but how do you stop a Bullshitter? Good question. Common sense usually works but unfortunately 95% of the world’s population lacks the faculties to pick up the signs of a Bullshitter.

Signs of a Bullshitter

1) See basics to Bullshitting 101 (Apply these rules in reverse)
In other words don’t be a schmuck. (Use common sense)
2) Someone you barely associate with seems way too friendly. (Preparing for a strike)
This tends to happen frequently in bar settings. (Alcohol brings out Bullshit)
3) Someone is being perceived as being too helpful. (Buttering you up for the Bullshit)
Offers to help with various projects for no reason (Be Suspicious I smell Bullshit)
4) Someone repeatedly complains about one topic to scout who is susceptible to it.
Like dipping their toe in the water. (They are surveying potential Targets)

These are just a few examples but you get the idea. Simply put don’t be a dumbass and you won’t get left standing with someone’s Bullshit in your hand wondering WTF just happened asking “Dude where’s my car?”.

Conclusion

Of course now that you have the basics for Bullshitting you may feel like giving it a try. Just remember you can lie to a liar but you can’t Bullshit a Bullshitter.

Feel free to use the information provided to try your own Bullshit. Be aware however that you do so at your own risk as I take no responsibility for your actions or the actions of that individual who eventually kicks your ass. Nor do I assume responsibilities for any medical bills incurred from said ass beating.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Ok, I’m pretty sure we’ve all been in these situations before so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone why individuals like this could get on a persons last nerve.

Have you ever run into one of those people who just DOES NOT know when to STFU and DOES NOT know when to walk away? Of course you have you know the type. You know you walk into a store ..Say Border’s or Waldenbooks for example and while heading for a particular section (whatever that may be) you get stopped by an employee. For this example we’ll call him Employee A:.

Employee A: “Hi, can I help you find anything today?”
You: “No I’m fine thanks.” (CLUE #1) The word NO is pretty universal and quite hard to missunderstand.

At this point about 40% (God love them) of the people on the planet understand that the above exchange simply means go away, I don’t need your help but thanks for asking. The problem comes in with the other 60% of the people that are floating around this damn rock that simply cannot grasp why you neither need nor want their help. At this point you continue to make your way over to the section you were in route to when you were stopped by said employee. No more then 5 minutes goes by and while browsing through a book or two guess who you see heading your way? You guessed it! Employee A!! The same damn employee you just talked too 5 minutes ago.

Employee A: “Hi, finding everything you were looking for today?”
You: “Yeah I’m fine thanks” (Yet Again) (CLUE #2) The lights are on but obviously noone is home.

Once again right here the above exchange should set off a signal in that persons brain to just go away. Why this signal fails to operate in some people is still a mystery to me and will probably always remain as such. Instead of hearing what you said to them they wonder off into their own little world and begin to torture you with useless babble that makes you want to slash your own wrists with a plastic butter knife.

Employee A: “OH! I have read that book I thought it was really good. I have a few books from said author, have you read this one or what about that one?”

At this point they begin to spout off about any number of books from the same or similar authors that you have absolutely zero interest in. He or she then proceeds to give you details about them. Giving you background stories, telling you about things that happen, things that could have happened, whatever. Worse yet is when the book reminds them of a movie they saw and then all hell breaks loose.

Employee A: “Have you seen this movie?”
You: ……… (Dead Silence)

HELLO, take the hint …for the love of all things take the damn hint. (CLUE #3) Being ignored is usually universally known as a sure fire sign to piss off.

Employee A: “Blah Blah Blah” ……As they continue to spout off about the story line. Who acted in it, who produced it and so on …and so on.
You: ……… (Dead Silence) (Thinking to yourself ….Please, someone kill me now!!)

By now you’re just shaking your head non stop at this person barely making any eye contact if any, all while trying to ignore them and at the same time trying to read the synopses on the back of the book you have in your hand. (CLUE #4) Constant recognition including excessive head nodding means you’re being ignored …Dumb ass!

Employee A: “Blah Blah Blah” ……. and on and on and on …..

Right about now you’re ready to kill this mofo and you may have any number of things floating through your mind. Depending on your normal demeanor some of which might include but not be limited to:

1) “Really I appreciate the help but I AM FINE THANKS!!”
2) “I think that lady over needs your help (pointing at some unfortunate passer by) (This one is rather cold but is useful in a pinch)
3) (In your mind) I wonder if I kicked them in the face if they would go away?? …Hmmm. (Weighing the possible consequences to such an action)
4) “Dude for real just STFU and go away …please”

Employee A: ” Blah Blah Blah ” ……. and on and on and on …..

At this point you might as well just leave the damn store, break down and cry, or kick the person in the head. You really have no other options because it is overly apparent that this individual isn’t going anywhere. So as I said I know every single one of us has had to deal with these situations before, and every single one of us will undoubtedly have to face them in future on a great many and overly painful occasions.

Why choose to bitch about it now?

Because I have ran into dozens of these people over the last few months and it took all I had not to just smash this particular individual in the face with the book I was holding. I’m not exactly known for my patience but common sense won out in this case. Either way it just absolutely baffles me as to how someone can be so dense or just that utterly stupid to not pick up on the signals you throw at them within the course of a conversation.

All of us are guilty of doing something like this in some form at one time or another. All of us are guilty of staying to long for the party so to speak on occasion especially when it comes to relationships or should I say failed relationships but I can understand that type of stupidity. The type of stupidity I’m talking about here simply has no excuse. While I referenced an actual encounter that took place in a book store between me and the dreaded “Employee A” I’m sure you can all find your own similar situation that fits within the mold I described here.

Moral: … (If there is one) Well I suppose it would be just what the title says …Learn to take a hint when you’re given one and just STFU already …Go away …Damn ….